Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Ultimate Resolution

Introducing Karen's nemesis, Wiseass.

Pet will go back to boiled chicken as soon as she finishes this!


Last year I swore I wasn’t going to make any New Years resolutions and I didn’t. But this year I have a few. Number one on the list, lose those pesky muffin top pounds for good! Last year I lost twelve pounds and was quite proud of myself. This year I need to step it up a notch to get rid of my lingering poundage. But what can I do when I’m allergic to crunches and love to bake? I’m thinking of duct taping my mouth shut but that seems a bit too drastic not to mention sticky. Any ideas Pet?


You’re asking the wrong person about dieting. I just don’t believe in it and the route I take is to buy clothes to hide the bulges. Of course if those extra pounds affected my health I’d be singing a different tune. I happen to be lucky enough to have a doctor who insists his patients with extra pounds are healthier. He is a nut on exercise though, another thing I hate besides dieting. Those machines turn me off. My only advice to you is you look great without those 12 pounds. Now relax and enjoy. I have a feeling you are going to try to reform me. Dieters and exercisers always do while really fat people think I’m perfect.


Well of course you’re perfect. : ) I hate exercise as much as the next person ( exercise addicts are the exception and should go into therapy!) but faced the fact a few years ago that I have to do something on a regular basis or my love of baking will be obvious to everyone. : ) I think finding something you don’t hate is the key. For me it’s walking. I have the perfect place right down the road, The Rose Bowl. It has a very nice park-like golf course right next door and I walk around it and clock in three miles. This time of year I get to enjoy the visiting Canadian geese that hang out in the nice sized pound on one side of the course. When I hear them squawking I think they are cheering me on.


I too am a walker, though more like a one miler than three miles. Maybe that’s because I take my 125 year old dog with me. But I have to confess sometimes the old guy wears me out. Another confession: one time I went on a real diet the deal was I would diet and talk about my experience on the radio. Those pounds came off all right, but since allowed food consisted of only boiled chicken breasts or fish with a salad and an apple, a gourmand like me became very disenchanted. If I hadn’t signed a contract I’d probably have dropped out. I lost twenty-five pounds okay, but to this day I can’t endure eating boiled chicken breasts and/or fish and apples are far from my favorite fruit.


How anyone could think that boiled anything would make ones mouth water is beyond me. I hear boiled chicken and run straight for the M&M’s! Unfortunately despite the limited success you get from crazy wacko diets like eating cabbage soup for two weeks, it’s really the boring old limit portion size and eating sensibly that works over the long haul. For my snacker friends, throwing the don’t-eat-after-7:00 rule keeps them from throwing in another 300 to 400 calories at night.

Still I have friends call me all excited how they are trying the latest greatest fad diet. My favorite was the Caveman Diet. This became a rage when all those Geico insurance adds were running. My friend was all excited and told me it made so much sense. Eat only natural nuts, fruit, and lean beef (closest she could get to a saber tooth tiger) all organic gathered by hand. I couldn’t be a smart ass. I said, “Sounds great! So you are going too hunt and gather your meals at Wholefoods. Oh and did you know the average age of a Caveman man was 15 years?”


True, true. We always hear how healthy our ancestors ate but they didn’t live near as long as we do. Maybe all those preservatives in processed food preserves us too! But oh how fattening fast food and ready food is. And the stuff seems addictive. When fast food outlets sprang up in and around Native American reservations, the inhabitants took to obesity, very unlike those svelte handsome second bananas in 50’s and 60’s cowboy movies. Personally, I am too much of a gourmand to relish fast food. We also have about 300 pounds of super lean, organically grown beef in my freezer so why buy half pounders even with coupons? Your cave person friend would have fun on our front porch supervising the no hormones upbringing of the steers and while they grow she could shoot a wild turkey, catch a few catfish and return to the antediluvian life.


Ah the country and it’s back to basics living. City living encourages bad behavior. Everything is so convenient you can walk to the nearest fast food or Starbucks and get your fix. In LA despite the crazy pace, people get fat because they drive everywhere. Just like the old punk song, Nobody Walks in LA. People park as close as they can to avoid walking even a few feet. Poaching a parking space has become a fine art in LA. I don’t bother. I have a pedometer so I park as far way as I can to clock in a few more steps. I’m a competitive person by nature so it’s amazing the lengths I’ll go to get to my 10,000-step goal. Of course like most things I have a love hate relationship with my pedometer who I’ve named Wiseass. Some days I wiz through my steps and pat Wiseass’s counter and think, see who’s the wiseass now. Then there are the days when I think I’m doing great but Wiseass keeps showing me I have 1,000’s of steps left to go. Then I throw him against a wall. But he always gets the last laugh when I pick him up and he’s still working. Now you know how he got his name. Wiseass!


I have to laugh about your statement that people in LA are fat. Ha Ha! I’ve never seen a really fat person out west! Your alls definition of fat is going from dress size 2 to size 4. I challenge you to sit in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart and see some really fat folks. Tennessee didn’t get the handle of third fattest state in the country without really trying. Fortunately that same Wal-Mart is the third largest in the country so shopping there gives you a goodly portion of those 10,000 steps. The dog food happens to be about a mile from the groceries. That’s the kind of exercise I like. Especially when you can get to the restaurant and order our state dish…biscuits with sausage gravy. Gotta go make some. Hubby likes hamburger gravy on top of home fries. Can’t win. Happy dieting and exercising every one.


Fran said...

Wow, Karen you get to walk near the Rose Bowl? Sounds like such a nice walk -- that must be a great motivator! And pretty walks in the countryside of Tennessee must be fun for you Pet. I like to exercise at the gym, but as the mother of three sons and the only female in the house -- its my great escape!

Anonymous said...

Hi Fran!

I actually walk right by the Rose Bowl on the 3.3 mile loop that goes around the bowl and part of the golf course. It's a great place to walk. I'm lucky I live so close by. I always take along my friend wiseass too. : )